The second thing was the emotional labor question. I had been absorbing the logistical and emotional cost of managing Elaine’s presence in our lives for years. That needed to change. Not because I refused to have any relationship with his mother, but because the distribution had been entirely wrong. He managed her feelings; I managed the consequences of her feelings on our life. That was not a partnership.
The third thing was Nathan’s relationship with his mother independently of me. He needed to build a structure for their relationship that wasn’t dependent on me as a participant or facilitator. Separate visits. Phone calls that were his to make, not reminders I issued. The boundary I was drawing was not between him and his mother — that wasn’t mine to draw — it was between their relationship and my time and energy.
Nathan listened. He didn’t interrupt, which was better than some previous versions of this conversation. When I finished he was quiet for a moment.
“The decision-making piece,” he said. “I think I’ve been telling myself that I was managing things efficiently by not involving you in every small thing. But that’s not what was actually happening.”
“No,” I said.
“I was deciding what counted as small.”
“Yes.”
“And I had decided that things involving my mother counted as small.”
“Yes.”
He looked at the table. “Okay,” he said. “I hear you. All three things.”
“Hearing me is one step,” I said. Not harshly, but clearly.
“I know.” He looked up. “I know that’s not the same as doing it.”