“And the person with less of it absorbs the definition of normal.”
“Right. Because what else can you do? You can keep objecting, but eventually that’s exhausting, so you start adjusting your sense of what’s reasonable, and then years later you look up and you’re not quite sure what you actually think is okay.”
I thought about that. “Do you think I’ve lost track of what I think is okay?”
She looked at me carefully. “I think you didn’t go on the trip. Which suggests you still know where your line is.”
“That’s a reassuring reading.”
“It’s the honest reading.” She stirred her drink. “I also think the fact that you’re asking the question suggests you know you’ve been absorbing some things you shouldn’t have been absorbing.”
“Yes,” I said.
“The question now is whether Nathan can actually change who has more of that power. Not in a political way — I don’t mean a power struggle. I mean whether he can learn to include you in what counts as a problem before he’s already decided.”
“That’s what we’re working on.”
“I know.” A pause. “I hope it works.”
“So do I.”
She looked at me with the particular expression she uses when she wants me to know she’s on my side without saying something that sounds like a verdict. I have known that expression for fifteen years and it has never failed to be exactly what I needed.
## The Ordinary Tests
Marriage, in my experience, is not tested in the big dramatic moments. The big moments arrive pre-labeled as serious; everyone knows to pay attention. The real test is the accumulation of small moments that nobody thinks to mark, that determine the actual quality of a life together over decades.