What I can say is that the clarity itself has value. Even if the outcome had been worse — even if Nathan had responded to my choice by doubling down rather than examining himself — I would still have said something true that needed saying, and I would know more clearly what I was dealing with.
Priya listened to all of this and then said: that’s good advice.
I said: I’m still not sure I took it.
She said: you took the last part. That’s the hardest part.
## Elaine at Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving was the first real test of the new structure. We’d handled a few minor moments well — phone calls, one visit where Elaine came for a Sunday dinner and Nathan managed it without invisible signals to me to pick up various ends — but Thanksgiving is a bigger occasion, with more opportunity for things to go wrong.
We had discussed it before it happened. That was itself different: in previous years the Thanksgiving arrangements had simply emerged, through a kind of gravitational pull toward whatever Elaine needed, and I would have found out what we were doing when it was already largely decided. This year Nathan came to me in early November and said: what do you want to do for Thanksgiving?
I said I’d like to host it. Here, our house, a manageable gathering. Invite his mother; invite my sister and her family who had been our Thanksgiving companions in various configurations for years. Set a time and stick to it. Nathan to be responsible for Elaine, which included getting her there and getting her home and handling whatever emotional management the day required.