The thing he said that I have thought about most since: he said, at the end of the second session, that the two most expensive habits in a marriage are the habit of withholding to keep the peace and the habit of tolerating to keep the peace, and that both feel like generosity and neither is.
Daniel said: which one am I doing?
Martin said: both. But in different directions.
This was accurate and I did not say so in the room because I did not need to. It was already said.
The third session was the hardest. We were two weeks past the departure date conversation and Patricia’s credit dispute was resolved and the second apartment application had gone through, and we were in the strange period of the situation being functionally over while still being technically ongoing, and we were each dealing with the residue of months that had been harder than either of us had said to the other.
Daniel said: I know I made it worse. By not acting sooner.
I said: yes.
I said it simply, without softening it, because Martin’s office was specifically a place where I was trying not to soften things, and because Daniel had said it and it was true and the answer was yes.
He did not argue. He said: okay. I know.
Then he said: I also need to say that some of what happened was her being in a difficult situation and not handling it well. And I need us to be able to say that without it being only about me.